Callously ignoring the eyeliner-streaked exhortations of America’s next top reality television star, Us Weekly refuses to release its pit-bull like grip on the neck of the utterly defenseless Britney Spears, continuing its weeks-long, cover-based assault with their new MOMMY’S CRYING! issue.
We fear that the featured photo of Sean Preston taking his first, uncertain steps towards the court-ordered parenting coach with whom he’ll instantly form a maternal bond he hasn’t felt since a kindly Starbucks barista tousled his hair, took away the triple-shot Americano he was clutching, and asked, “What’s a little guy like you doing with a big boy drink like that?” will be all the heartbreak we can handle from a single magazine, so we’ll probably never make it to the “Britney’s Darkest Hour” story within, detailing how Spears’ hot tub molestation victim exclusively reveals how he talked a despondent Spears out of drowning herself in the very chlorinated waters in which they’d just fornicated.
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